Now my cat is completely out of the bag. As someone who has long lived in chronic pain and who–according to my doctor–is getting older, my mastery of the principles of the Course, or lack thereof, is obvious. Sickness is a decision, an insane device for self-deception. Well, self’s cat is out of the bag too. Sickness and self get to fall by the wayside, along with all the other illusions I no longer want. I’m doing spring cleaning, and the wealth of love and support in today’s lesson is actually turning back the clock. I can feel the hands going counterclockwise.
When I was growing up, my Grandma June was the best person I knew. She was always delighted to see us come to visit. Her house was filled with wonderful things to look at. She used to let me sit at her dressing table. I was allowed to open every drawer, every jewel case, every pot of makeup, as long as I put everything back. I can still smell Chanel. As I got older, each time I saw her she would have wrapped some trinket I had admired and would insist I have it. I never heard her speak a negative word about anything or anyone.
She died unexpectedly when I was in my 20s. My first thought was for my young nieces and nephews who would never really know this extraordinary woman. I decided in that moment to “be” the Grandma June they would never have. I became “Crazy Aunt July.” I think I did a pretty good job of being as welcoming and as unconditional with them as she was with me. I even bought a dressing table. I certainly enjoyed their growing-up time.
Years later, when my body fell apart and my doctors seemed to be trying to kill me with chemicals, I really just wanted to die. (You can read that story here: http://wp.me/p1fMSr-o9 .) I deeply wanted to just help the process along. In truth, the reason I didn’t is because I knew what it would do to my sister, my husband, my stepson. I stayed for them as much as for my journey. I didn’t want to insert anything into their journeys that would cause them pain and become a stumbling block to their own search for Truth.
Now I can do even more than that. Owning up to What I really Am “removes the limits you had placed upon the body by the purposes you gave to it. As these are laid aside, the strength the body has will always be enough to serve all truly useful purposes.” I really want to be Truth for the people I love. I want to be an example, a delight, a helper, a haven. Truly useful. And at the point where I am being What I Am, they are really me anyway.
Healing was achieved the moment we thought of a separation that never really took place. It is as true now as it was then. It takes vigilance on our part to refuse to let any illusory block cause us to think otherwise, no sickness, no sadness. We immediately reassert that we are as and where God created us to be, and there is nothing else. My version of vigilance is to throw everything at Holy Spirit: “I see trouble brewing with this, tell me what to do; I don’t want to wrestle with that anymore, show me how to let it go; I worry about stuff, show me how to see it differently.” If God does these things through me, He doesn’t need my help or interference. So I’m doing my best to fade out of the way, to reach up and melt into What I really Am, where He and You and I are The Same. Lesson 136.